Absolution
by Farewell
Summary: SLASH! Sirius has some issues to work through. Remus is there to help, as always. posted before, but fixed to allow for the no-NC-17 thing. R&R please


Title: Absolution  
  
Author: Farewell  
  
Rating: R  
  
Pairing: Remus Lupin/ Sirius Black  
  
Universe: As It Should Be, I suppose. But you don't have to read that to read this.   
  
Warnings: Rape. Very disturbed!Sirius. Comforting!Remus.   
  
Notes the First: Damn plot bunny. Pretty much a PWP. Help appreciated. //...// is thought. *...* is emphasis.   
  
Notes the Second: Yes, this was posted before, but because of ff.net's new no-NC-17 fanfic rules, I took it down. I tamed it down A LOT, and decided to post it again, because only one person reviewed. Whoever it was: THANK YOU!! I forgot to get your name to thank you specifically.  
  
Outright Begging: PLEASE REVIEW!!!! Even if you hated it!!! Please!!!!!   
  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Absolution  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
When the told us about Azkaban in school, they never told us about the cold.  
  
Or the screaming.  
  
The prisoners shriek and wail; apologies and denials.  
  
I wish they'd realize that the Dementors don't give a fuck. That they'd just as soon suck your soul out as care. What does it really matter anyway, you God-forsaken bastards? Screaming doesn't help.   
  
"Get up, Black." The hard-faced, barely-human guard growls. I used to think that they must hate their jobs, but not anymore. Too many beatings, I suppose.   
  
"Get *up*!" The guard kicks me-hard. Numbly I get to my feet, dreading what could happen next.   
  
"Bath time." The guard leers suggestively at me and I almost groan. Almost. I caught myself in time. The guards don't like us complaining. Wearily, submissively, I follow the broad back down the hall to what imitates a shower.  
  
The room is large and square. Automatically I shed my robe, so well trained that I don't even bother hiding my nakedness. I am shoved roughly against the wall and I can feel the guard's erection pressing into me. He takes me quickly and brutally; I am given no preparation. He reaches around and grabs me, jerking painfully. //I need to be hard to come, asshole,// I think as he spills himself into me.   
  
He pulls out, and backhands me to the ground. He throws a bucket of water over me and I gasp inadvertently at the iciness. The guard laughs. "You're nothing but a goddamn whore, Black. You remember that."  
  
//I'm not a whore,// I repeat to myself. That thought is all that has kept me surviving. //Remus knows I'm not.//  
  
Back in my cell, I curl up into a ball, trying to forget the discomfort between my legs. I feel over-stretched, and the muscles are taking longer than usual to tighten and contract.   
  
A wave of cold and despair crashes over me. A Dementor steps into the cell, followed by the guard. The creature takes my face in it's gray hands, and draws me near. I'm not fighting. Why am I not fighting?!  
  
"You're nothing but a goddamn whore, Black! A cock-sucking mother-fucking whore! Do you understand me? A whore!"  
  
The Dementors' lips touch mine, and that is the last my ears hear.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"Sirius!" something is shaking me. How could I feel it if I had just underwent the Dementors kiss? "Sirius! Wake up!" With a scream, I come fully awake. Remus is holding me tightly. "It's alright, Siri. It's just a dream. Just a dream." He holds me against his chest as I sob, rocking me back and forth on the bed. "It's alright, baby. You'll never have to go back there. Never."   
We sit like that, until Remus leans towards me again. "What's that, love?"  
  
It is only then that I realize that I am whispering maniacally: "I'mnotawhoreI'mnotawhore..."  
  
He gently turns my face to his. "No Sirius. You are *not* a whore. Don't give in to them. Don't believe the lies they told you." He leans back onto the pillows, taking me with him. He kisses my hair. "You are *not* a whore." I turn into him, hiding my face in his chest. I'm so happy I have him. I'm so lucky.  
"But I've been a whore for so long, Remy. How can I stop what has been beaten into me?"  
  
"Forget it."  
  
"I *can't*!" I explode, sitting up, away from him. "It was too long! It's a part of me!"  
  
"No, it's not!" Remus speaks fiercely. "It's not! You're far better than that, Sirius. Better than them."  
  
"Am I? I used to think so, but now..." I let the sentence trail, and I find I can't look at him. That makes me angry; that I'm so full of shame that I can't even look into my lover's eyes.  
  
He takes my hand, lacing our fingers together. "Sirius Black, look at me." Remus' fingers on my chin feel like ice on fire. "I *know* you are. You believe me, don't you?"  
  
When I don't answer, he asks again. "Don't you?" He shakes me.   
  
"Yes!" I almost scream. "Yes, I believe you." And whatever else I was going to say dissolves in my throat as he flings himself at me; and I realize that he's crying. But it doesn't matter, because I'm crying, too.  
  
Remus is nuzzling my cheeks, kissing away my tears. He reaches my ear, and nibbles lightly on the lobe. Ah, God. I can't possibly put a name to the feelings running through me, other than "Remus." I jerk away, trying to get oxygen into my straining lungs. I look into his eyes, ready for more and-- //Oh God, no, no, Moony, don't close up on me, please, not now. I need you now,// I beg with him silently, willing him to see past the wall of my eyes.   
  
I lean forward and kiss him, a soft, closed-mouth chaste meeting of lips. I kiss him again, and feel his mouth open to mine. He is so sweet; I can taste the tea he had before bed, and as my tongue slicks past him: the wine from dinner. His tongue intertwines with mine, and pushes past to trace my teeth, and tickle the roof of my mouth. I withdraw slightly, licking at the corner of his mouth, a brief wetness. His breath is quick in my ear, ad he sucks lightly, then harder on that spot just below my jawbone.   
  
We are together in a mad wave of grief and passion tinged with madness. Soon my problems, fears and dreams disappear, along with the rest of the world, until it is just us, forever. We settle into a calm, hollow embrace, neither one of us feeling whole enough to shatter the silence between us.   
  
We hold each other tightly, both of us mentally and physically exhausted by the fury of our grieving. Finally, my insecurity cracks my control and I turn to my lover. "Please. Don't ever leave me alone." I know he can't promise that, with Lord Voldemort back in full power it will be just as it was 15 years ago. We never know if we will see our loved ones at the end of the day. I know he can't promise, but I still need to hear it; and he must know this, for he answers: "I will never leave you. Ever."  
  
We lie curled together; Remus is gently kissing our entwined fingers as he rests on my chest, his small frame fitting perfectly in my arms.  
  
And there is, truly, no one in the world but us.   
  
  
~ fin  
  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!!! I'm begging here! 


End file.
